Inside The Holy Of Holies

Inside the Holy of Holies, I see
An empty room.
There is a roof on top of four walls
And a door but no windows.
We declare the inside, divine
And the outside, mundane.
This is arbitrary but okay with me,
I like holy separation.
Inside the Holy of Holies, I see
Judgement.
God speaks to me and tells me
Of God’s disappointment with all my mistakes.
I apologize and promise to do better.
We both know this is unlikely but God appreciates the sentiment.
This is great for me,
I have faith in the rituals.
Inside the Holy of Holies, I see
Hate.
I see racism, murder, ethnic cleansing,
Misogyny, homo- and transphobia,
Rape, fascism, privilege,
Lies, manipulation, collusion.
If this is God,
I give up.
Inside the Holy of Holies I see
Hope.
People rise up, demanding action.
Investigators and organizers reject cynicism and despair.
We light candles, pray and make change.
Everyone votes and democracy rules.
God manifests
And I rejoice.
Inside the Holy of Holies, I see
The Jewish people.
Our stories create me,
Our culture animates me,
Our society challenges me,
Our past scars me.
I couldn’t escape them if I tried.
Could be worse.
Inside the Holy of Holies, I see
Myself.
Years of therapy allow me to make
An honest evaulation
Of who and what I am.
I criticize myself appropriately.
I honor self-awareness,
Anything else is boring.
Inside the Holy of Holies, I see
The Infinite.
I meditate on the Ruach Ha Olam
And each breath is a prayer.
I feel the Presence,
I am unaware of the past and unworried about the future.
It is amazing.
I give thanks.
Inside the Holy of Holies, I see
The God I need to see.
Today, God is ancient wishful thinking.
And tomorrow, Aveinu Malkeinu, Who will make miracles.
Next week, I ponder the Fierce Mystery,
And the week after, I know the One-ness that is everywhere in all things.
Whatever.
Here I am
In the Holy Of Holies.
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